Scar Tissue

This is not a "pretty" topic - in any sense of the word. It takes some courage to write about it. Scars are both physical and mental.

In terms of the physical scars, I know my bikini days are a thing of the past. The last vestige of colorful bathing suits stacked neatly in the closet represent better times. I don't get rid of them because I simply like to see them there. They are proof of the fact that once, I too, had a perfect body without scars. In truth, that is the easiest of my challenges.

The mental scars are a different story. I am dealing with those little by little. Unraveling them bit by bit like an Egyptian mummy. When I start to unravel my scars about being diagnosed with cancer, I realize they are invariably tied with other things that have hurt me - in my case: divorce, death and disappointment. It can be quite dark. I can't unravel too much at once. It's like pulling off a scab that has not yet healed. But it's getting better.

There are so many good things that are my sign posts to healing. Like the pictures of my grandchildren that were on the cork board by my bed at Sloan Kettering Cancer Center. Even through the morphine, I watched. Like Serena at my bedside trying to feed me cake. Like Sara calling my husband minutes before the surgery. I could hear her sobbing and I was reminded that people still need me here in this world.

My husband Dale of four years and the gentle way he helped me dry off after a shower. He obviously did not care about my scars. I look forward to the day when I don't care about the scars either.

And I just don't forget the love and kindness that are the sign posts as I continue the journey. For anyone who does not believe they have these sign posts in their life...look harder.